Domo Arigato

I figured life here in Holy Land Central (HLC) isn't interesting enough. I just finished getting out of boxes after a month's house-search craze and while I run around seeing to official odds and ends in between work assignments I figured: Why not up the ante? After all, if things were slow enough to allow for an indulgent afternoon nap yesterday (shameful) then it's time.

Enter...JAPANESE! Yup, time to learn a new language and not just any language, mind you. If it seems odd to be studying Japanese in these parts, check out this clip from my friend Nominally Challenged's site. Now that'll set your brain a'pondering.

Why Japanese? Friends have asked.

I think it's a good language for the future and business and yes Cantonese may have been a wiser choice but of all the Asian cultures I was exposed to in San Francisco - the city demographic is nearly 50% Asian - Japanese appealed to me most.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Sayonara (what a geek)

Theft in Broad Daylight

Noorster, a hugely talented, clever writer, randomly e-mailed this little quote today and because I'm exhausted and feeling hugely un-original, I am grifting and posting it here as any shameless and lazy thief of my caliber might do:

"A couple of years ago I was sitting in the Kodak Theatre with my acceptance speech in my pocket, waiting to get up and say that I was the first openly gay actor to win an Oscar. Unfortunately, that was the year the blacks won." - Ian McKellen

Note to Ian: The P.C. terminology is African Americans

Note to readers: A few years back when Sir Ian served as Grand Martial of the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade, he came RIGHT UP to my friend Axel who stood beside me and shook his hand. Axel is gorgeous, by the way. Drop dead gorgeous. I was in awe: "GANDALF WAS MILLIMETERS AWAY! HE TOUCHED YOU!! IT WAS GANDALF, AXEL!!" Axel was like: Yeah. Great. Cool Steph. Chill Out.

Oh well...Tomorrow's the Jerusalem gay rally in lieu of the gay parade. It'll be like a mass gathering in a contained space like those indoor pre-Christmas arts and crafts fairs held at churches. I suspect rally attire will be a tad flashier than what one might encounter at the church sale, however. Bummer the whole thing. But then again, who wants razor blades and human feces thrown at them?

Quote Worthy

(after long sigh)...It's so great to be away from my family!
Columnist and father of five covering the UN Conference on Desertification, The Negev Desert Israel

No, I didn't bring my swimsuit. I'll go into the hotel pool with workout shorts and a tee-shirt. What do I care? I'm from New York
Journalist covering UN Conference on Desertification, the Negev Desert Israel

No, sweetheart. No ice cream today.
But Mom, ice cream is your most favorite thing!
Five year old Raphael attempting to sway

Do you want that with non-fat milk?
You are NEVER allowed to ask a client that question. That's right up there with "are you pregnant?"
Conversation with barrista, Tel Aviv cafe.

The Vast Desert

Sorry for being out-of-pocket. I was off doing what I do for a living which is covering stuff to write about.

This particular "stuff" was a UN Conference on Desertification in Israel's Negev Desert. It was hosted by a leading Israeli research institute responsible for bringing us drip irrigation, desert fish farming, algae cultivation, and cutting edge solar harnessing techniques.

There were loads of experts and scientists from all over the place - Mongolia, Uganda (I guess we're over the whole Entebbe thing, huh?), Mexico, Australia, Khazakistan (sans Sasha Baron Cohen), one Jordanian (his six colleagues were denied Visas) and a leading Palestinian Authority environmentalist who said Israel and Palestinian eco-types have been meeting behind the scenes for ages. The Arab World, regardless of dryland status, went unrepresented. Science and environment don't cancel out politics.

Because the group was pro-earth, nice extras included a moonlit hike through a desert canyon and visits to Nabatean and Byzantine remains to gauge how civilizations in the BCE and first few centuries AD captured and stored water and constructed communities.

Conclusions? I don't know enough to draw any. But the idea of cultivating what's already in place i.e. using desert floor water tables for fish farming or encouraging eco-tourism is good. Conflict is bad (duh). Future wars may be over water, not oil.

Over and out. Enjoy the pickies from the archeological visit.

Straight to the Airport

I did the butt-insky thing at a cafe yesterday. Listened to a conversation at a nearby table and interjected with an "I hope you don't mind but I overheard your conversation and.."

They: a man and woman in their 50's-ish. He: American. She: Israeli. He: Complaining about work and quality ethic in Israel. She: Listening attentively.

My butt-in was to ask how long he has been in Holy Land Central (HLC), how he deals with the frustrations and to share my fresh from the oven refrigerator story.

From upstate New York, he's been here six years. How he deals:

I use the F*ck You method. Say I'm swimming laps at the pool and I collide with another swimmer. Even if they're in the wrong, they'll begin hurling accusations immediately. Always on the offensive. So I've learned that instead of waiting for the assault, I immediately yell: "F*ck You!" at the other person. Back home I'd be booted from the pool or someone would call security or something. Here, it gets a dialogue going.

This guy, incidentally, is a therapist. That's my kind of Jungian theory!

One more share from Mr. F. You:

When asked why he's here, he pointed to his companion. And added:

But if heaven forbid she goes before me, it's straight from the cemetery to the airport.

Nothing like letting it all hang out, eh?

They've invited me 'round for dinner. I'm expecting a lot of laughs.

Fridge Tales

Getting out of boxes and acclimating to the new apartment with Raphael is great. We actually had time to kick a soccer ball in the park the other night and this morning I accidentally slept until 8 a.m. ! (Slovenly. I'm slipping)

A share from the depths of moving Hell:

Purchased a fridge and washing machine from a discount warehouse chain store (Machsanei Chashmal for the locals) and upon delivery the two transporters:

1) arrived three hours late without apology - at 10 p.m., I exaggerate not
2) dropped the washing machine while mounting the stairs
3) took my utility room door off the hinges to move washing machine in and neglected to re hinge
4) announced it would cost an extra $40 to fit the fridge through the kitchen entrance - they would have to remove fridge doors

I threw a fit, ranted, raved (as is my style) refusing to pay a surplus charge. I demanded they bring it through for free in lieu of their late arrival. They refused. Their boss threatened to come to my apartment and...(?) I told them to take it all back to the warehouse. They left the washer.

The next day my rant continued over the phone. The company people backed their movers and put the blame on me. "Why didn't you refuse the washer? Why didn't you call and cancel when you saw they were running late?" etc. Typical. Typical. Typical. Offense as a defense.

Of course they would take that attitude. The place has a no refund/no return policy. I'm such a dork for not seeing that teensy weensy clause. Nor did I see the other clause stipulating an add-on fee for removing doors to install over sized items.

I asked them to re-deliver the fridge and leave it in my apartment entrance. A friend would come and help me - no surplus charge.

They delivered, departed and I stood contemplating the fridge. And gained instant wisdom. Using my Phillips I removed a jutting grill and then gingerly wheeled it through the kitchen door without removing doors, unhinging or paying add-no fees. It took two minutes. Bloody liar thieves.

Unbelievable, you say? Typical for what I refer to as the "old school", mobbed up type businesses here that operate as if they're in the shuk. The newer, younger companies - phone and mobile upstarts competing with the old school cobwebs - are diligent and service oriented.

My father asks why I stay. I have asked myself the same during this move and believe you me, when he suggested I move back and leave this hassle it was tempting as hell. In the face of adversity it's always an option.

I guess I stay because of recall. Life is difficult and messy and problematic. But I have recall here. I vividly remember what happens each day because of the vibrancy and hue of the mess. I am alive and living life in a very full way.

Does this mean I need hassle and struggle to feel alive? A question for the couch

Gay Versus Religion

Here in Holy Land Central (HLC), a storm's a' brewin over the impending Gay Pride Parade to be held in Jerusalem November 10.

According to local news reports, ultra religious Jews, Muslims and right wing groups are threatening to sabotage the parade with eggs and razor blades (!) thrown from rooftops and rabbis are calling for a "holy war" (do they mean jihad per chance?) against parade-goers.

The rhetoric increases across the divide each day and police are on high alert for THE BIG DAY. Last year, a few parade celebrants were stabbed when an ultra-orthodox Jew went on a stabbing rampage.

So call me silly but:

- I GET that we're in Holy Land Central and that religious implications up the ante and all. But coming from San Fran I view things in a slightly different light. What exactly should the gay population do? Pretend to be straight and go back into the closet? C'mon. That creates insanity and all sorts of unwanted side effects not to mention twisted and sordid behavior.

- Aren't the religious among us considered "out there" by mainstreamers? Does that mean we should throw razor blades from rooftops at those sporting long beards, side locks, skullcaps and wigs or donning long sleeves and fur-lined hats in 100-degree heat? Call me hippie child but we're all god's kids no matter what gender our partner happens to be. Amen.

- Speaking of the big "G", how god-like is throwing razor blades from rooftops anyhow?

Tolerance is tolerance is tolerance. I'm inclined to mosey on up to J-Town to check it out the day of. Then again, maybe not. Once you've witnessed 6-inch stiletto heels and hair big enough to make John Waters proud, Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Dykes on Bikes and the gay fire and police brigades making their way down Market Street on extravagant floats, all else sort of pales.